Sometimes we miss a day...

... and we're NOT pregnant.  just busy.

ok, because Texas is the size of apparently half the continental US, I'm gonna give a new title:  UMMM, REALLY EL PASO?

5 miles on I10 and 5 strip clubs so far ... ummm, really El Paso?

-  The Red Parrot - "non stop girls".  is it that the girls never stop, or that there is a non stop supply of girls in general?

-  The Club - with free lunch before 4pm.  it just seems economically sound.  perhaps, rick, this is a viable method of solving the crisis you asked us to consider earlier.

to break up the endless drive to NM, we tried for a few roadside attractions.  the goals were the playground featured in pee wee's big adventure, the (second) largest road runner, and the prada store,  that actually sounded so bad ass - it's a perminantly sealed prada store, complete with fully dressed windows that is sealed and in the middle of the desert - instillation art at its finest.  which i just love, and was frankly really excited to give you guys the video of us trying to break in and steal stuff, but the effing weather forbade us from going.  we tried, but heading directly into a desert thunderstorm, well, it's just dumb.  as we high tailed it out of the rain, AMC gunned down the biggest snake on the road.  swerving was attempted, but our lives won out.  she did however miss hitting the TARANTULA that was standing on his hind legs (to strike a mouse apparently) in the middle of the road.  predators abound on I10, but we are taking them out one at a time.  we did however get this video that i think you'll really enjoy:

so then the (second) largest roadrunner, Pisano Pete (not making that up).  AMC was duly impressed, where i was not.  when you've seen the largest rocking chair and even the (third) largest fire hydrant, you expect more.  HOWEVER, this trip was totally worth it, because of what magical mecca is right next door - "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere".  the drive thru liquor and convenience store.  we could not have loved it more. which you can see in the brilliant video shot by AMC:

NEW MEXICO.  THAT'S A LOT OF ADOBE.

For those of you who knew the original itinerary, we were forced to make some tough changes, well, because googlemaps lied to us.  and austin to santa fe to san diego?  well, we never would have left the car.  so we opted for a night in scenic las cruces.  THE RETIREMENT CAPITAL OF THE WORLD.  and as we learned from our 9 fingered architect  B and B host this morning (oddly proudly stated), the 5th poorest city in America.  put that on a bumper sticker.

we rolled in last night, (sometimes i think it's a miracle we are still alive as AMC feels the need to check her FB WHILE DRIVING.  LIKE WHILE DRIVING 90MPH.  if you will recall earlier, i wouldn't even look at pics of hot guys while driving.  we can clearly see whose team Oprah is on in this car.) Note from AMC: this happened once...and we were literally the ONLY people on the road.  For hundreds of miles...and the road goes straight west.  Back to MM: In Las Cruces, we went to the roadside attraction called the stabbed lovers haunted restaurant.  it's a crazy romeo and juliet-ish story that involves the mother of the wealthy Armando stabbing both he and the lowly servant Inez with sewing shears.  we had to go - i mean, ghosts?  c'mon.  the room of the actual killing was at the end of the hall, and as we did our post multiple margarita exploration, we got freaked out to enter, as the room was pitch black.  all in all totally worth it, namely for the bar, which we learned had been purchased from the Drake in Chicago before the fire.  we learned a LOT while drinking at the Double Eagle.  then spent the night in the delightful Inn of the Arts with some cheap wine watching our new blog videos and laughing our asses off.  

The Bar at the Golden Eagle

AMC: At one point, as we're getting ready for bed, Meredith confesses that she hates the southwest.  WHEN WE ARE NEW MEXICO.  Too much adobe and turquoise, she says.  I LOVE this landscape...I find it inspiring and haunting and like nothing else on earth.  But now it is clear that MM wants to get the hell out of here as quickly as she can.  Despite it's lack of architectural beauty (yet another disappointment for MM), Las Cruces has the most amazing mountain range as its backdrop.  When I went to point it out to her, MM's response was, "Yeah...I'm gonna see that shit all day tomorrow."

so cut to this morning, and our attempt to get out of las cruses at a decent hour, and the 800 ways that that was THWARTED:

- orange and banana pancakes with our 9 fingered architect B and B host Jerry who gave us the BLOW BY BLOW of his entire courtship to the lovely Linda.  45 years ago, and 45 years worth.

- trip to both The Bataan Death March Statue and Walkway and the Yard of Junk (thank you Roadside America for that polarity), which were moving and creepy and totally boring respectively, but in both cases they were stops that needed pics and tips, and really, we are doing anything we can to ingratitate ourselves to Roadside America, so we went to both.  slow and steady - our TV show is coming.

AMC holding the Death March's hand.  And a latte.

Disappointing yard junk.

- target to get a charge adapter so we can charge the computer in the car while driving.  that's right, that's how crazy we have become about the blog.  but really, with an 11 hour drive across the desert, we needed it.  and in true target fashion, we did NOT manage to get out of there without spending over $60 bucks.  Also, while we were at Target, we came across Girls' Jeggings.  Could someone PLEASE tell me why on earth a four year old needs leggings made of denim, and particularly when they are "low rise."  Why?

"wanna put your hands on me in my JEGGINGS"

-Blake's sign....a shout out to our friend Blake....and no, we have not found Brad Pitt yet....

BLAKE'S

- BEST SIGN YET:  outside a las cruses spa "we have the best brazilians in town".  i still don't know what to say about that.  However, what comes in second, is the Lube 'n Go next to the Weinershnitzel.  You really can't make this shit up.

AMC: I feel the need to elaborate on our breakfast with Jerry, the host of the B & B, called Inn of the Arts.  (Of course, that's why we stayed there.) MM was not kidding when she described him as the 9-fingered architect.  That's how he described himself to us at breakfast, and, of course, it took every ounce of control for us not to stare at his hand.  But, indeed, there are only 9 fingers there.  He proceeded to give us lots of advice on how to save money, how to spend money, how to meet your mate and start a business, how to run a business, how to choose one day a week to take a break from it all, how to follow the path of God...he recited a Longfellow poem.  All before asking who we were.  Intense and fabulous.

so yeah, with all of that, we were lucky to get out of there before 11:30.  and now are cruising at 90mph (yep, AMC is still on FB) trying to find anywhere we can go to the bathroom because our rest stop attempts have involved rattle snakes and multiple scorpians.  i'm not lying.  i wish we'd just bought depends at the target.

We will always find the best latte.

ARIZONA.  IT'S A DRY HEAT.  YEAH, BUT IT'S STILL 114.

Dragoon, Arizona.  The most out-of-control thing (well, maybe tied with Hell's Warning Label) we've seen on this trip?  The Thing.  Probably many of you have been there, or at least seen the signs.  Like South of the Border, or Wall Drug, it teases you for hundreds of miles.  What is The Thing, you wonder? Well, we are not only here to tell you, but to show you.  It's insanity.

We took a video of this whole experience, which we have included here.  However, parts of it are confusing and hard to hear. It's not as though being there in person is really much clearer, but we want to explain as much as we can.  We also know that the video is long...like four and a half minutes long...but it's hilarious.  

We paid the $1 admission price and were directed to a door at the back of the souvenir shop.  The door leads....outside. There is a shack that you enter and you see old cars and trucks, including a Rolls Royce, which a sign claims was Hitler's.  We're not sure about this, but there is Hitler....in the back of the car.  Crazy.  In another room, what claims to be Abe Lincoln's coach from his inauguration.  AMC made what i consider a top notch point as she wondered, "now wouldn't that be in the Smithsonian?"  but you know, the Smithsonian, a truck stop in Dragoon... you decide.

Then, we made our way to an art installation (and I'm using that term very very very very loosely) of life-sized carved wooden men with hoods, torturing women.  In a cage.  It's the most disturbing and hilarious thing I've ever experienced.  Just watch the video.

There's more total randomness in this room, and then you walk out the door of the shack and discover that you are literally in someone's back yard, where kids' toys and bikes are mere feet away from the torture chamber.  Unbelievable.  Luckily the whole diorama is coated in a layer of dust at least 6 years thick, so it doesn't seem that little Timmy has been learning much from his S & M carvings.

Onto the next shack, where there's a bunch of crap, and (in the video, you may not hear this, but you can see our reaction) a fellow attendee who cannot believe he paid $1 to see "all this shit from someone's garage."  And it really was.  I've seen better community theatre prop shops.

Finally, onto the final shack (following the yellow footprints of Saskwatch, no less) to see "The Thing." Covered in bird shit.  That's all I'm going to say about that.  There is some debate in the video if it for sure THE Thing, but for sure, it IS.

The hilarious thing to watch in the video is the angry dude jumping into the bed in one exhibit...so damn funny.  You'll see him get over the fence and move through many exhibits alongside our video, and then sadly we missed him climbing thru the window of the final diorama to get in the bed. It was also priceless to see first hand someone deal with that much dust.  I believe you will hear me saying over and over "i just don't know what to do with this."  still don't.

It's really the bat-shit-craziest place I've ever been.  And I strongly encourage you all to go.  It is worth all 100 cents.
OK TO NOTE:  WE CANT FIGURE OUT THIS VIDEO YET.  SOON.  IT'S SOOOOO GOOD.

And other than that, AZ was a whole lotta nothin but those real cactuses.  For hours.  And people live there.

WE WISH WE ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA GIRLS

First billboard:  Female Cagefighting.  Welcome to Cali.

And a brilliant evening (complete with grilled plums! who does that?!) with AMC's brother and sister-in-law.  shout out to carrie. 

More to follow.  and your teaser??  WE'RE IN THE MADONNA INN.  and our room is called... wait for it... the TIME OF YOUR LIFE.

we're excited to see you tomorrow.  xo