napa. it's like we're in witness protection to write this.

You're seeing that right.  It's Randy and Richard IN LAVA VINE'S FIELD.

i mean, this stop was so good.  like the "stop.  drink" kinda so good.  like so good we're not really able to write about it, STILL.  But here's the teaser video taken late at Lava Vine of the dance party we held in their tasting room.  I will say this, if you want a sense of the night, watch The Hangover.  I'm not kidding.

more soon. there might even be a guest blogger.
xo
amc and mm

dear god we love kitch.

WE WISH WE ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA GIRLS

First billboard:  Female Cagefighting.  Welcome to Cali.

And a brilliant evening (complete with grilled plums! who does that?!) with AMC's brother and sister-in-law.  shout out to carrie. 

and now... WE'RE IN THE MADONNA INN.  and our room is called... wait for it... the TIME OF YOUR LIFE.

MADONNA INN

cakes.  i mean, really.  it's like i meant to the brittany museum.

What do you get when you cross the Central Coast Dental Society convention, ballroom dancing, and Martha Plimpton?  You get our perfect evening in San Luis Obispo at the Madonna Inn.  When this blog becomes a television show, one entire episode will be devoted to the Madonna Inn.  What I will say here is that it is a bavarian theme-room hotel, and our room was a Mardi Gras theme (the room was called TIME OF YOUR LIFE.) The wallpaper in the bathroom was purple and sparkly.  The carpet was purple, as was the brick wall in the room, covered with Mardi Gras masks and gold molding.  Behind our room was the pool complete with WATERFALL COMING OUT OF THE MOUNTAIN. The entire hotel is decorated in Pepto Bismal pink and white.  While it sounds like an incredible assault on one's senses, I can tell you that it was delightful.  At the Madonna Inn bar, where we spent a lot of the evening, an incredible band played while lots of couples (some in matching outfits - no really, like brown poly Jams and a dress) ballroom danced the night away.  (One of those couples included Martha Plimpton and her boyfriend, who could not dance and did not seem too happy to be there.) Also present was a single woman, who did not seem at all phased by the fact that she had no one to dance with, and she proceeded to slide across the entire dance floor multiple times.  

We watched couples break up, and we watched one cougar stalk the room and succeed - as we walked back to our room there was definately some parking lot action.  As we sat there sipping our wine (MM can tell you that the Madonna Inn chardonnay is actually not that bad), we could not believe our good fortune at being able to get a great internet rate at the one place that everyone told us to stop at when we passed through Central California.  We know why.  (Note from MM:  i'm totally having my wedding here.  totally.  my parents are rolling over in their graves at the mere thought.)  Also in the morning, we had breakfast at the Bavarian cafe, where they have the craziest cakes and the most amazing cookies.  get online and order the angel cookies.  i'm not kidding.  Also, on our running theme of torture on this trip, we were sat at a booth yet again, surrounded by people holding weapons.  in this mural, there are men and women around a stagecoach WITH WHIPS.  some are whipping the team of 6 donkeys (6?  what are they, cleidsdales?), and one man is holding his whip behind his back like he's gonna sneak up on the woman and whip her.  i mean, of course it's the woman.  again.

this is the bathroom.  you can't really get a sense of the wallpaper. which we think is fabric.  and these are the robes they gave us.  made for very large men.  very.

Prior to our evening at Madonna Inn, we explored downtown San Luis Obispo, which was having some sort of college street fair.  The town is delightful, as is the weather.  We had an amazing dinner with incredible wine (of course) and ruminated on the fact that this last leg of our trip will mostly be devoted to the Drink portion of our blog's title.  (Note from MM:  i was nervous that we had off-balenced the blog to the drive and stop part.  i am no longer worried.)  We have already hit two wineries in the Central Coast area (MM joined another wine club.  yep.)  and are currently headed up to Napa, to literally spend the night at lava vine where randy is flying in for the wine club BBQ.  open bar on wine.  highway to the danger zone.

At Kaylra.  Delicious rose.

On our way up to San Luis Obispo, we had to pass through Orange County.  God help us.  This leg of the trip brought out the ugly side of MM, as she seemed to have completely lost all sense of composure, calm, and rational sense.  She claims it's just what Orange County does to her.  It's the generic apartment buildings and shopping malls....for miles and miles. I will tell you that this experience is worse than road rage, as it feels like a slow burn, instead of a sudden burst of anger.  It's really awful.  I was glad to pass through there, and I'm proud to say that we made it without stopping at a single Panera, Borders Cafe or Barnes and Noble.  (And we could have....they are literally every fifty feet.)

Sometimes we miss a day...

... and we're NOT pregnant.  just busy.

ok, because Texas is the size of apparently half the continental US, I'm gonna give a new title:  UMMM, REALLY EL PASO?

5 miles on I10 and 5 strip clubs so far ... ummm, really El Paso?

-  The Red Parrot - "non stop girls".  is it that the girls never stop, or that there is a non stop supply of girls in general?

-  The Club - with free lunch before 4pm.  it just seems economically sound.  perhaps, rick, this is a viable method of solving the crisis you asked us to consider earlier.

to break up the endless drive to NM, we tried for a few roadside attractions.  the goals were the playground featured in pee wee's big adventure, the (second) largest road runner, and the prada store,  that actually sounded so bad ass - it's a perminantly sealed prada store, complete with fully dressed windows that is sealed and in the middle of the desert - instillation art at its finest.  which i just love, and was frankly really excited to give you guys the video of us trying to break in and steal stuff, but the effing weather forbade us from going.  we tried, but heading directly into a desert thunderstorm, well, it's just dumb.  as we high tailed it out of the rain, AMC gunned down the biggest snake on the road.  swerving was attempted, but our lives won out.  she did however miss hitting the TARANTULA that was standing on his hind legs (to strike a mouse apparently) in the middle of the road.  predators abound on I10, but we are taking them out one at a time.  we did however get this video that i think you'll really enjoy:

so then the (second) largest roadrunner, Pisano Pete (not making that up).  AMC was duly impressed, where i was not.  when you've seen the largest rocking chair and even the (third) largest fire hydrant, you expect more.  HOWEVER, this trip was totally worth it, because of what magical mecca is right next door - "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere".  the drive thru liquor and convenience store.  we could not have loved it more. which you can see in the brilliant video shot by AMC:

NEW MEXICO.  THAT'S A LOT OF ADOBE.

For those of you who knew the original itinerary, we were forced to make some tough changes, well, because googlemaps lied to us.  and austin to santa fe to san diego?  well, we never would have left the car.  so we opted for a night in scenic las cruces.  THE RETIREMENT CAPITAL OF THE WORLD.  and as we learned from our 9 fingered architect  B and B host this morning (oddly proudly stated), the 5th poorest city in America.  put that on a bumper sticker.

we rolled in last night, (sometimes i think it's a miracle we are still alive as AMC feels the need to check her FB WHILE DRIVING.  LIKE WHILE DRIVING 90MPH.  if you will recall earlier, i wouldn't even look at pics of hot guys while driving.  we can clearly see whose team Oprah is on in this car.) Note from AMC: this happened once...and we were literally the ONLY people on the road.  For hundreds of miles...and the road goes straight west.  Back to MM: In Las Cruces, we went to the roadside attraction called the stabbed lovers haunted restaurant.  it's a crazy romeo and juliet-ish story that involves the mother of the wealthy Armando stabbing both he and the lowly servant Inez with sewing shears.  we had to go - i mean, ghosts?  c'mon.  the room of the actual killing was at the end of the hall, and as we did our post multiple margarita exploration, we got freaked out to enter, as the room was pitch black.  all in all totally worth it, namely for the bar, which we learned had been purchased from the Drake in Chicago before the fire.  we learned a LOT while drinking at the Double Eagle.  then spent the night in the delightful Inn of the Arts with some cheap wine watching our new blog videos and laughing our asses off.  

The Bar at the Golden Eagle

AMC: At one point, as we're getting ready for bed, Meredith confesses that she hates the southwest.  WHEN WE ARE NEW MEXICO.  Too much adobe and turquoise, she says.  I LOVE this landscape...I find it inspiring and haunting and like nothing else on earth.  But now it is clear that MM wants to get the hell out of here as quickly as she can.  Despite it's lack of architectural beauty (yet another disappointment for MM), Las Cruces has the most amazing mountain range as its backdrop.  When I went to point it out to her, MM's response was, "Yeah...I'm gonna see that shit all day tomorrow."

so cut to this morning, and our attempt to get out of las cruses at a decent hour, and the 800 ways that that was THWARTED:

- orange and banana pancakes with our 9 fingered architect B and B host Jerry who gave us the BLOW BY BLOW of his entire courtship to the lovely Linda.  45 years ago, and 45 years worth.

- trip to both The Bataan Death March Statue and Walkway and the Yard of Junk (thank you Roadside America for that polarity), which were moving and creepy and totally boring respectively, but in both cases they were stops that needed pics and tips, and really, we are doing anything we can to ingratitate ourselves to Roadside America, so we went to both.  slow and steady - our TV show is coming.

AMC holding the Death March's hand.  And a latte.

Disappointing yard junk.

- target to get a charge adapter so we can charge the computer in the car while driving.  that's right, that's how crazy we have become about the blog.  but really, with an 11 hour drive across the desert, we needed it.  and in true target fashion, we did NOT manage to get out of there without spending over $60 bucks.  Also, while we were at Target, we came across Girls' Jeggings.  Could someone PLEASE tell me why on earth a four year old needs leggings made of denim, and particularly when they are "low rise."  Why?

"wanna put your hands on me in my JEGGINGS"

-Blake's sign....a shout out to our friend Blake....and no, we have not found Brad Pitt yet....

BLAKE'S

- BEST SIGN YET:  outside a las cruses spa "we have the best brazilians in town".  i still don't know what to say about that.  However, what comes in second, is the Lube 'n Go next to the Weinershnitzel.  You really can't make this shit up.

AMC: I feel the need to elaborate on our breakfast with Jerry, the host of the B & B, called Inn of the Arts.  (Of course, that's why we stayed there.) MM was not kidding when she described him as the 9-fingered architect.  That's how he described himself to us at breakfast, and, of course, it took every ounce of control for us not to stare at his hand.  But, indeed, there are only 9 fingers there.  He proceeded to give us lots of advice on how to save money, how to spend money, how to meet your mate and start a business, how to run a business, how to choose one day a week to take a break from it all, how to follow the path of God...he recited a Longfellow poem.  All before asking who we were.  Intense and fabulous.

so yeah, with all of that, we were lucky to get out of there before 11:30.  and now are cruising at 90mph (yep, AMC is still on FB) trying to find anywhere we can go to the bathroom because our rest stop attempts have involved rattle snakes and multiple scorpians.  i'm not lying.  i wish we'd just bought depends at the target.

We will always find the best latte.

ARIZONA.  IT'S A DRY HEAT.  YEAH, BUT IT'S STILL 114.

Dragoon, Arizona.  The most out-of-control thing (well, maybe tied with Hell's Warning Label) we've seen on this trip?  The Thing.  Probably many of you have been there, or at least seen the signs.  Like South of the Border, or Wall Drug, it teases you for hundreds of miles.  What is The Thing, you wonder? Well, we are not only here to tell you, but to show you.  It's insanity.

We took a video of this whole experience, which we have included here.  However, parts of it are confusing and hard to hear. It's not as though being there in person is really much clearer, but we want to explain as much as we can.  We also know that the video is long...like four and a half minutes long...but it's hilarious.  

We paid the $1 admission price and were directed to a door at the back of the souvenir shop.  The door leads....outside. There is a shack that you enter and you see old cars and trucks, including a Rolls Royce, which a sign claims was Hitler's.  We're not sure about this, but there is Hitler....in the back of the car.  Crazy.  In another room, what claims to be Abe Lincoln's coach from his inauguration.  AMC made what i consider a top notch point as she wondered, "now wouldn't that be in the Smithsonian?"  but you know, the Smithsonian, a truck stop in Dragoon... you decide.

Then, we made our way to an art installation (and I'm using that term very very very very loosely) of life-sized carved wooden men with hoods, torturing women.  In a cage.  It's the most disturbing and hilarious thing I've ever experienced.  Just watch the video.

There's more total randomness in this room, and then you walk out the door of the shack and discover that you are literally in someone's back yard, where kids' toys and bikes are mere feet away from the torture chamber.  Unbelievable.  Luckily the whole diorama is coated in a layer of dust at least 6 years thick, so it doesn't seem that little Timmy has been learning much from his S & M carvings.

Onto the next shack, where there's a bunch of crap, and (in the video, you may not hear this, but you can see our reaction) a fellow attendee who cannot believe he paid $1 to see "all this shit from someone's garage."  And it really was.  I've seen better community theatre prop shops.

Finally, onto the final shack (following the yellow footprints of Saskwatch, no less) to see "The Thing." Covered in bird shit.  That's all I'm going to say about that.  There is some debate in the video if it for sure THE Thing, but for sure, it IS.

The hilarious thing to watch in the video is the angry dude jumping into the bed in one exhibit...so damn funny.  You'll see him get over the fence and move through many exhibits alongside our video, and then sadly we missed him climbing thru the window of the final diorama to get in the bed. It was also priceless to see first hand someone deal with that much dust.  I believe you will hear me saying over and over "i just don't know what to do with this."  still don't.

It's really the bat-shit-craziest place I've ever been.  And I strongly encourage you all to go.  It is worth all 100 cents.
OK TO NOTE:  WE CANT FIGURE OUT THIS VIDEO YET.  SOON.  IT'S SOOOOO GOOD.

And other than that, AZ was a whole lotta nothin but those real cactuses.  For hours.  And people live there.

WE WISH WE ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA GIRLS

First billboard:  Female Cagefighting.  Welcome to Cali.

And a brilliant evening (complete with grilled plums! who does that?!) with AMC's brother and sister-in-law.  shout out to carrie. 

More to follow.  and your teaser??  WE'RE IN THE MADONNA INN.  and our room is called... wait for it... the TIME OF YOUR LIFE.

we're excited to see you tomorrow.  xo

Adventure, and then some!

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM 

What up Teyhass.

Man.  There is nothing in East Texas.

Nope. 

Still nothing.

Oh wait!  

There's ... 

wait for it ...

the world's (third) largest fire hydrant!!  Woot woot!!

I can't tell you how much this part makes me giggle:  (third)

Things you should ask us about:  the Memorial Fire Hydrant.  I've tried a few times and there's no way to make it not sound totally offensive in this blog.  but it's a really funny story.

And now in Houston this flashing sign:  Look out for the gaurd rail.  Yeah... look out for that.  

Houston did however have the House of Beer cans, which we thought was going to be merely another chance to mock a fellow member of society, but it was actually AMAZING. 

this man took decades to cover his house in beer cans, carefully flattening them out, as well as using the tops for wind chimes that hang from the roof.  I'm sad that you can't hear them (because we hadn't figured out video yet), because it was actually really beautiful.  And I mean, still BAT SHIT CRAZY that you drink a 6 pack every day and then nail it to your HOUSE, but we were really taken by it.  and appropriately boozy for us.

Ok, we loved South Austin.  Many thanks to Dan and Claire for the suggestions - an amazing dinner at Curra's - man, that mole was ridic.  And the margaritas were fab.  Which they needed to be after THE NEVER ENDING DRIVE thru east TX.  I thought I was gonna commit hari cari.  While driving.  And the Austin Motel is adorable.  

The room was so small, and we totally had to spoon on our full bed, but after our night at the Continental Club with the great rockabilly band (though really weird that the lead singer not only didn't know who Amy Winehouse was, but admitted it onstage.  I felt in theatre terms that's like being a working actor and saying, "lincoln center?  what's that?").  And I'm ready for yoga.  Sitting on your ass in a car blogging for 10 hours a day does nothing for you.  But I have told AMC not to worry, because when we have our show on the Discovery Channel, we will have personal trainers and stylists.  Which i'm super pump up the jam about.  i will say, though, that i am ready for wine again.  The live music and beer drinking has been lovely, and i thank you nola and austin, but napa, i hear you callin loud and clear. 

Aside: AMC describes our hotel room in Austin...Awesome.  Small, but awesome.  At one point, as Meredith and I were doubled over from laughing so hard, we took note of the god-awful plaster and out-of-focus framed photos on the walls.  Hilarious.  And why were we laughing so hard? You may remember from yesterday's post that there are certain things that cannot be described here, as this blog will simply not do them justice.  Well, when you see one or both of us, ask us to tell you the story of Rocky the Dog.  We have relived that moment about fifty times and it still makes us laugh so hard that we cry.

Cut to - we're heading out this am on 290 W and i keep seeing all these cute signs on the side of the road, to which i wonder if they are perhaps vineyards.  to which the following occurs:

AMC openly mocks me, and is like, "um, NO.  they're cattle ranches."

And I'm like, "ok, but if we drove up, do you think they would pour me wine?"

And she's like, "no meredith, they're, you know, pretty proud of their CATTLE."

To which i'm all quiet, thinking, fine TX, i'm ready for CA.  at which point i, dreaming of the sweet grape, look out my window at another said cute sign at the end of a driveway for... IRON STREET VINEYARD.  to which the following occurs:

Me:  HUH. THAT SURE LOOKS LIKE A VINEYARD.

AMC: ______________

Me:  AND WAIT, WHAT'S THIS COMING UP AHEAD OF US??  IS THAT *ANOTHER VINEYARD*?!

this went on for quite a few miles.  i never got over being right.  if you know me, you know this.  noteably, though, we did not stop.  BECAUSE AMC IS LAME.  whatever, 11am is a totally fine time for tasting.

Notes on this from AMC:  Okay.  It should be pointed out here that in an earlier conversation, Meredith asked, "What's up with all the plantations?" To which I corrected her: "Those are ranches, Meredith. Not plantations."  (Note from MM:  while in KY when i saw all these huge places, i was like, "wow, what huge houses.  that's a lot of land."  and AMC was all, "yeah, meredith, THEY'RE PLANTATIONS."  so let's call it like it is.)

Also, I had no idea TX was obsessed with creating small versions of other countries.  We were really sad to not be able to get into the Forbidden Gardens of CHINA, where some insane man recreated all these events and places of China in miniature, over 40 acres of land, that was next to the 99 Cent Store Warehouse.  Yes really.  It cost him 20 million dollars to do (thank you Roadside America), and really all we / you can see is the top of the pagoda because it was locked.  But you know that shit is good.  

And then today, the town of Fredricksburg, which we are calling Little Germany.  Adorable town!  Complete with over 10 Bierhauses and the German road names.  Spreken ze Deutch Teyhass?  Yes you do.  (Note:  the irony of Little Germany in the heart of Big Red Texas is not lost on us.  We were very scared about what was going to be around the corner, and said a number of things that would just come off really offensively)

Next town = Harper.  So naturally (note for AMC's friends - it's my dog's name) i had to get out on the side of the road for a photo, but as soon as we got out of the car, we were attacked by jumping bugs and are pretty sure there was a rattle snake really close by.  hence, why i look crazed in the pic.   the funniest part though?  our stopping SUPER pissed off these cows (and yes!  at long last we've figured out video.  watch out travel channel, you hear us comin...):

A moment from AMC: As we head toward New Mexico through West Texas, I am happy.  Quite happy.  For those of you who know me, you know that I spent a really intense amount of time in West Texas in my twenties, and that I am a sucker for this landscape.  It has been very wonderful to drive through here today.  I love it.  And, we just passed an ENORMOUS wind farm, which, Meredith pointed out is great to watch while listening to Coldplay, because it seems like it's choreographed. (She added, "And I'm not even high.") It's also pretty great watching the landscape go by and having that interrupted by Meredith's road rage.  Love it.

ok, because Texas is the size of apparently half the continental US, I'm gonna give a new title:  UMMM, REALLY EL PASO?

5 miles on I10 and 5 strip clubs so far ... ummm, really El Paso?

-  The Red Parrot - "non stop girls".  is it that the girls never stop, or that there is a non stop supply of girls in general?

-  The Club - with free lunch before 4pm.  it just seems economically sound.  perhaps, rick, this is a viable method of solving the crisis you asked us to consider.

NOTE TO OUR MILLIONS OF FANS AND READERS (and producers on Discovery Channel...and publishers of major literary houses...and Hollywood producers....) We are currently uploading photos on the first two posts so go back and enjoy the illustration.  Because we know you couldn't possibly imagine some of this shit.

Stay tuned for more from the Southwest....

The Adventure Continues...

NOLA.  IT'S NOT JUST A REHEARSAL STUDIO IN NEW YORK.

Only in New Orleans is there a piano in the ladies room.

And what are we greeted with immediately?  Scuttlebutt Gentleman's Club.  Welcome to Louisiana.

Okay.  Here's the thing:  you learn a hell of a lot about a person when you spend three or more days in the car with them.  And here is what I've learned about Meredith: architecture gets her hot.  Attention all single, straight men reading this blog (and I know there are hundreds of thousands of you): Meredith loves the architecture of New Orleans.  And the food.  And the music.  After a pretty much perfect night in the city, she turned to me and said, "It's really a shame you're not a man, because if you were, we'd go have amazing sex right now."  Yes, gentlemen...here's what it takes :

You must go to -  Feelings Cafe in the French Quarter and order the vegetarian sampler, as well as some gumbo and shrimp etoufee.  You have a couple glasses of wine and end with the french silk peanut butter pie.  Then you walk to two great bars d.b.a. and the Spotted Cat - (one with a dirty hot bartender) where you drink beer and listen to jazz and zydecho music.  Then you go back to the insanely beautiful bed and breakfast.  Good luck, gentlemen...all it takes is some French architecture in a southern American city.  (Note from MM:  she's not lying.)

AMC at the B and B.  I mean, it's adorable.

Love the Garden District!

The amazing bed.

We woke up after an amazing night's sleep and we felt a little like we were characters in a Tennessee Williams play.  We had coffee on our balcony, then off to Cafe DuMonde for cafe au lait and beignets.  Heaven.

Not coke.

On the road now, and it should be noted that AMC is not a great navigator.  Even with the GPS.  I mean, once you get the blue dot on the purple line, it's fine.  But we've made a lot of wrong turns.

There are lots of dead armadillos.  Kinda nasty.

On our way out of town, we caught another roadside attraction: the Upside Down Frostop Rootbeer Mug.  It was turned upside down in Hurricane Katrina and they kept it that way.

Upside down.

Now, we are on our way to a Rightside Up Frostop Rootbeer Mug.  Nowhere near as entertaining as the Cross Garden, but we're giving it a shot.  (Update from MM: dear god, we almost died trying to get to the rightside up mug.  That thing AMC mentioned about not being good with the purple line?  Yeah, well, she's not exaggerating.  And the iphone WILL lead you quickly to the sketchiest section of town WITHOUT FAIL. But whatever, now there are pics of mugs both ways.)  

Right side up.  Worth it?  You decide.

We did not stop at the Cocktail Museum in New Orleans...Meredith says, "If you want to see a museum of cocktails, just look at my liver."

So sad to report that we cannot take the time to see two INSANE stops: The Britney Spears Museum and Mammy's Cupboard.  I know, I know. (Note from MM: the non-attending of the Britney museum almost caused our first fight.  If you know me, you know this is true.  Not a girl, not yet a woman, these last 34 years...)

The Britney Spears Museum needs no explanation, however, they do have a larger-than-life cutout of Britney and you can have your photo taken through her navel. (Note from MM:  said picture would have been my profile pic FOR THE REST OF MY DAYS.)

 I think that Mammy's Cupboard needs some description, though: Mammy's Cupboard is a luncheonette and gift shop built inside a 28-foot tall black woman's skirt.  Yeah, you totally read that right. The ONLY reason we are not there right now is that it is closed on Mondays.  Our bad luck.

Stopped for lunch: gumbo and grilled shrimp.  Love the cajun cooking.  A call on the road from our friend Rick, who has two requests for the blog.  He wants us to solve economic problems (I'm not sure if he means our own or the nation's) and destroy the Tea Party.  As we are most likely driving through the core of the Tea Party's base, it might just be possible.  Interestingly, Meredith has no idea what the Tea Party is.  She asks if maybe she's been living under a rock?  Umm....yes.... (Note from MM:  i have been in a theatre you know, since APRIL.  if it didn't involve a revolving set or chardonnay, i didn't know about it.)

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM

What up Teyhass.

Man.  There is nothing in East Texas.

Nope. 

Still nothing.

Oh wait!  

There's ... 

wait for it ...

the world's (third) largest fire hydrant!!  Woot woot!!

I can't tell you how much this part makes me giggle:  (third)

Things you should ask us about:  the Memorial Fire Hydrant.  I've tried a few times and there's no way to make it not sound totally offensive in this blog.  but it's a really funny story.

And now in Houston this flashing sign:  Look out for the gaurd rail.  Yeah... look out for that.

The Adventure Begins....

Drive, Stop, Drink.  

Thoughts and observations from the American Highway

A blog.  By Boozy and Bubbly.

This says it all. It literally does.

WILD WONDERFUL WEIRD WEST VIRIGINIA

First of all, West Virginia is nothing but strip clubs.  That said, our favorite was the Three Ways Inn.  And The Castle.  Shaped like a castle.  In Freemont, West Virginia, The Castle was a strip club (complete with "to enter ring bell" sign on the door.)

They built a bridge!  Thru a mountain!

Brilliant lunch by the Three Ways Inn

Outside of Sully's adorable house in Lexington

GET LUCKY IN KENTUCKY
things discussed / questions:  KY (naturally, as we pass through KY, the state.)  why on earth would it want to be flavored?  why on EARTH would i want lube in my mouth??  also, KY for her.  what does it do?  AMC would like to know if it comes with a dildo.  also, TROUPLES?  WE'RE TOTALLY UNCLEAR ON THIS.

also, AMC believes the advil helped her sore throat.  i think she might have  a problem with non prescription pain killers.

also, the smokey mountains smoke.  didn't know that.

also, we need to thank pat for the gayest remixes of songs on a brilliant mix CD from, oh, 2003.  when we all found the scissor sisters.  we are however wondering what a gay remix of the indigo girls would sound like.  and not a lesbian remix.

weird thing in every single restaurant?  the waitress asks us if we want single checks or together.  every one.

More of The Castle:  in lexington it was a pawn shop.  and then off I75 it was a motel, however in the latter case, spelled with a K.  so not quite 3 castles so far.  but definately 5 sightings of those three crosses grouped together.

also, when you see a bunch of turkeys together is it a gaggle or a herd? now you would wonder, um, where did you see said gaggle / herd?  oh that would be at the white hall mansion in richmond ky where we stopped (thank you roadside america) to see the ghost image of a slave woman in the top right window.  which we sadly did not see.  but man, we stared a lot at that window from a variety of angles.

Top right window.  I still don't see it.  But maybe.

AMC thinks its somehow funny that i refuse to look at hot men on her iphone while taking on curves at 90mph.  also, who the hell picks up hitchhikers in 2010??!!

also, we helped dani rose get dressed for her date with the professional poker player in philly over text message.  thank you iphone.  so if any of you need help, just take a picture, text it, and help is just moments away.  no problem.

also, we're totally gonna be late to atlanta because sully sucked us into her curly hair website.  and as three curly haired women, we needed to do all the online tests to see what our type was and hence what products we should buy.  if this was a real blog, we would list those products with the hope that they would send us free stuff.

wow, this is a girl blog.  because this is what girls do:  they get their periods, the do the seatbelt arm cross to pasengers in the car, and they nurture directors.  i think in that order.

Thank goodness for the protection.

ok, breaking news:  just drove past an ENORMOUS metal cross that when cross referenced on roadside america, we came to find is there to protect us against the XXX porn store that sits beneath it.  thank you tennessee.  i bet that porn store had that disgusting KY.

voting:  would you rather have many pillows or the #1 shower?  these are actual choices in your hotel options.

A hilarious phone message from Charlie Starmer, stating: "Mommy.  I hope you...well...I hope you found a job."

CLEVELAND ROCKS

Blood soaked!!

Just playin' by the Crypt

I don't even know how to explain this, but in Cleveland (Tennessee...which is right next to Dayton, TENNESSEE) there is The Bloodsoaked Crypt of Nina Cragmires.  And we saw it.  The crypt (which houses not only poor little dead Nina, but six of her dead relatives) is a house-sized marble mausoleum, has been bleeding since the late 1800s.  And, it is mere feet away from a playground.  And we saw it. 





Also, in Cleveland....Tennessee...we saw a sign for a gym and window-tinting establishment, and while Meredith photographed it, we were watched suspiciously by a man with no shirt, a pittbull, and a Confederate Flag.  

Totally pump iron while you get your...windows tinted?

Also discussed (and witnessed in Cleveland...Tennessee) were jeggings.  What are they?  Why do they exist?  Who can wear them?  Who would want to wear them?

The latest project in our minds: how to cast Drive Stop Drink: The Movie.  Casting so far: Toni Collette plays AMC, Drew Barrymore plays Meredith, Jenna Elfman plays Sully.  It should be noted that the Blog titled Drive, Stop, Drink has commas, but the movie title will not, much like a similar story that recently hit the theatres and starred Julia Roberts (who will NOT be in our film.)  Our film will be financed by Starbucks Coffee, the iPhone and the Roadside America app.  (Meredith says, "You could not have done this shit on a Droid.)

HOTLANTA

Jenny and her girls

Actors and Models for Christ. "The new face of Hollywood".  In the Atlanta suburbs. We missed the pic of that billboard.  i could not be sadder about this.

And "Faithful Fencing".  So Jesus can fence you in.  Naturally the T is a cross.  I mean, c'mon.

Oh, and, wait for it... our new favorite bumper sticker:  Protect our children.  Shoot a sex predator.  Yep.

Tattoes are TOUGH.

I mean, where to start on last night.  We were part of a sorority.  And we WAY lived up to our names, by being both Boozy and Bubbly throughout.  It was a great time at Jenny's with her girls from college.   Needless to say, there were tattoos involved.  Which upon waking now just looks like we have a series of scabs on our arms.

My favorite part is where AMC told me in the car that she felt like she should take it easy tonight.  I smiled slowly and told her good luck.  Needless to say, she FAILED.

No cameras!

New actors for the movie:  Kate Hudson is playing Jenny, Selma Blair is playing Kelly, Christina Fredricks for Toni, Sandra Bullock for Leslie, and that guy from The Hurt Locker for Mansel.  Also, we've rethought Drew Barrymore for me, because we're not sure that she's a good enough actress to sit in a car with Toni Colette.  And that will just make me look dumb.

Boozy and Bubbly.  Hotlanta style.

WHAT'S UP ALABAMA

MAJOR REGRET.  We missed The Elaborate Doll House Grave of Nadine Earles.  MAJOR REGRET.  This is the downfall of the Roadside America app - you have to refresh it, like, every 50 feet or you will miss treasures like that one.  But for you, i will recopy the story:  Nadine wanted a doll house for Christmas, but died.  Her parents had a doll house - the size of a dwarf-size real house - built around her grave with her toys and other belongings placed inside.

If it wasn't 30 min behind us, we would be there.  I'm just really sorry for all of us.  Frankly, we were thrown by the Welcome to Alabama bathroom that made AMC sign their guest book that we forgot to refresh.  Eff you Alabama friendliness, you made us miss another photo op to sort of mock someone's grave.

How billboards for Sex Shops read in Alabama:  Love Stuff for Adults.  Awesome.  Alabama is totally giving Tennessee a run for its money.

It is hot hot hot.  And there is NO water.

The Chapel.  Jesus recliner to the left.

And NEWS FLASH:  Alabama has kicked Tennessee's ass.  In one fell swoop called Hell's Warning Label.  The Cross Garden.  Honestly, i do not even know what to say.  Hands down the craziest thing i have EVER SEEN. This insanity covers two yards, and wraps around behind the house in addition to the shed across the street.  With the Jesus Recliner.  What it taught us is that HELL IS HOT.  And there is no water.  No no no.  Also, it's important to note that it's not just crosses and houses covered with this insanity, but also a whole lot of washing machines.  And air conditioners.  Which noteably they would not have in hot hot hell.  We knew this was gonna be crazy, but frankly, we had NO IDEA.  and how incredibly scary it was.  i am in fact still convinced that the 30 something who lives in said house and was watching us while weeding WITH A MACHETE from across the street is tracking our car to come kill us later.  AMC is all crusiing around the 10mph one way street behind this phenomenon, and i'm all - they are going to kill us, get the fuck out of here.  but then we of course had to stop to get more pictures of the homemade Calvary reminding us that we were going to die for The Sex we've been having, oh, and the manger too.  i mean, naturally there's a built it myself MANGER.  we could have stayed there for hours, but really, that man would have hacked us to pieces.

The Cross Garden.  I mean, a mere part of it.  From inside the car.  Because we were REALLY afraid of that man and his knife.

Homemade manger.

Sex Pit.

AMC's attempt to explain the phenomenon that is the Cross Garden: you drive away from Montgomery, Alabama through some serious country (What's Up, Alabama?) and then you have to find the unmarked country road that leads you to Hell's Warning Label.  And it's 99 degrees outside, in the middle of September.  And there's no one else around, or so you think.  And then you see it...straddling both sides of the road.  Crosses. Shacks. Rusty old kitchen appliances.  Rocks.  All painted and scolding you, for being a sinner, for having sex, and for expecting ice water in hell.  I was both terrified and thrilled.  It was much creepier than I expected...and at one point I wanted to venture behind the shack (that is called The Chapel) but I thought that there might be a dead body back there.  Or an axe-murderer.  And now, I regret not going back there, for we later found out that that's where the Jesus' tomb is.  However, in the moment, with the man across the street cleaning his enormous kitchen knife on his t-shirt, I thought it best to get back in the car.  Truly, it was one of the most fascinating things I've ever seen.  

These are the washing machines. 

We ate lunch at the Bates House of Turkey.  It was yummy...particularly the cornbread stuffing.  I was a little turned off, however, by the listing of "congealed salad" on the menu, and the ten or so portraits of Ronald Reagan surrounding the entrance.  But I really liked that the bathrooms were for Toms and Hens.

MISSISSIPPI MADNESS

Truth?  There is not a whole lot going on in Mississippi.  And really all we want is to get to NOLA already.  but we did break the drive up a bit with a visit to the world's largest wooden rocking chair.  And it was really big.  Next door was Catfish Charlie's, which we are sad to report was closed.  But really, it's a restaurant that's only open Tues - Thurs 5:30 - 8 so the probability of it being open for your visit is slim as well.

An improvement on the sex billboard in MS from AMC:  Eve's Apple Take a Bite.  When our blog is national, Eve, you can take that.  You're welcome Mississippi.

LOUISIANA

And what are we greeted with immediately?  Scuttlebutt Gentleman's Club.  Welcome to LA.