The Adventure Begins....

Drive, Stop, Drink.  

Thoughts and observations from the American Highway

A blog.  By Boozy and Bubbly.

This says it all. It literally does.

WILD WONDERFUL WEIRD WEST VIRIGINIA

First of all, West Virginia is nothing but strip clubs.  That said, our favorite was the Three Ways Inn.  And The Castle.  Shaped like a castle.  In Freemont, West Virginia, The Castle was a strip club (complete with "to enter ring bell" sign on the door.)

They built a bridge!  Thru a mountain!

Brilliant lunch by the Three Ways Inn

Outside of Sully's adorable house in Lexington

GET LUCKY IN KENTUCKY
things discussed / questions:  KY (naturally, as we pass through KY, the state.)  why on earth would it want to be flavored?  why on EARTH would i want lube in my mouth??  also, KY for her.  what does it do?  AMC would like to know if it comes with a dildo.  also, TROUPLES?  WE'RE TOTALLY UNCLEAR ON THIS.

also, AMC believes the advil helped her sore throat.  i think she might have  a problem with non prescription pain killers.

also, the smokey mountains smoke.  didn't know that.

also, we need to thank pat for the gayest remixes of songs on a brilliant mix CD from, oh, 2003.  when we all found the scissor sisters.  we are however wondering what a gay remix of the indigo girls would sound like.  and not a lesbian remix.

weird thing in every single restaurant?  the waitress asks us if we want single checks or together.  every one.

More of The Castle:  in lexington it was a pawn shop.  and then off I75 it was a motel, however in the latter case, spelled with a K.  so not quite 3 castles so far.  but definately 5 sightings of those three crosses grouped together.

also, when you see a bunch of turkeys together is it a gaggle or a herd? now you would wonder, um, where did you see said gaggle / herd?  oh that would be at the white hall mansion in richmond ky where we stopped (thank you roadside america) to see the ghost image of a slave woman in the top right window.  which we sadly did not see.  but man, we stared a lot at that window from a variety of angles.

Top right window.  I still don't see it.  But maybe.

AMC thinks its somehow funny that i refuse to look at hot men on her iphone while taking on curves at 90mph.  also, who the hell picks up hitchhikers in 2010??!!

also, we helped dani rose get dressed for her date with the professional poker player in philly over text message.  thank you iphone.  so if any of you need help, just take a picture, text it, and help is just moments away.  no problem.

also, we're totally gonna be late to atlanta because sully sucked us into her curly hair website.  and as three curly haired women, we needed to do all the online tests to see what our type was and hence what products we should buy.  if this was a real blog, we would list those products with the hope that they would send us free stuff.

wow, this is a girl blog.  because this is what girls do:  they get their periods, the do the seatbelt arm cross to pasengers in the car, and they nurture directors.  i think in that order.

Thank goodness for the protection.

ok, breaking news:  just drove past an ENORMOUS metal cross that when cross referenced on roadside america, we came to find is there to protect us against the XXX porn store that sits beneath it.  thank you tennessee.  i bet that porn store had that disgusting KY.

voting:  would you rather have many pillows or the #1 shower?  these are actual choices in your hotel options.

A hilarious phone message from Charlie Starmer, stating: "Mommy.  I hope you...well...I hope you found a job."

CLEVELAND ROCKS

Blood soaked!!

Just playin' by the Crypt

I don't even know how to explain this, but in Cleveland (Tennessee...which is right next to Dayton, TENNESSEE) there is The Bloodsoaked Crypt of Nina Cragmires.  And we saw it.  The crypt (which houses not only poor little dead Nina, but six of her dead relatives) is a house-sized marble mausoleum, has been bleeding since the late 1800s.  And, it is mere feet away from a playground.  And we saw it. 





Also, in Cleveland....Tennessee...we saw a sign for a gym and window-tinting establishment, and while Meredith photographed it, we were watched suspiciously by a man with no shirt, a pittbull, and a Confederate Flag.  

Totally pump iron while you get your...windows tinted?

Also discussed (and witnessed in Cleveland...Tennessee) were jeggings.  What are they?  Why do they exist?  Who can wear them?  Who would want to wear them?

The latest project in our minds: how to cast Drive Stop Drink: The Movie.  Casting so far: Toni Collette plays AMC, Drew Barrymore plays Meredith, Jenna Elfman plays Sully.  It should be noted that the Blog titled Drive, Stop, Drink has commas, but the movie title will not, much like a similar story that recently hit the theatres and starred Julia Roberts (who will NOT be in our film.)  Our film will be financed by Starbucks Coffee, the iPhone and the Roadside America app.  (Meredith says, "You could not have done this shit on a Droid.)

HOTLANTA

Jenny and her girls

Actors and Models for Christ. "The new face of Hollywood".  In the Atlanta suburbs. We missed the pic of that billboard.  i could not be sadder about this.

And "Faithful Fencing".  So Jesus can fence you in.  Naturally the T is a cross.  I mean, c'mon.

Oh, and, wait for it... our new favorite bumper sticker:  Protect our children.  Shoot a sex predator.  Yep.

Tattoes are TOUGH.

I mean, where to start on last night.  We were part of a sorority.  And we WAY lived up to our names, by being both Boozy and Bubbly throughout.  It was a great time at Jenny's with her girls from college.   Needless to say, there were tattoos involved.  Which upon waking now just looks like we have a series of scabs on our arms.

My favorite part is where AMC told me in the car that she felt like she should take it easy tonight.  I smiled slowly and told her good luck.  Needless to say, she FAILED.

No cameras!

New actors for the movie:  Kate Hudson is playing Jenny, Selma Blair is playing Kelly, Christina Fredricks for Toni, Sandra Bullock for Leslie, and that guy from The Hurt Locker for Mansel.  Also, we've rethought Drew Barrymore for me, because we're not sure that she's a good enough actress to sit in a car with Toni Colette.  And that will just make me look dumb.

Boozy and Bubbly.  Hotlanta style.

WHAT'S UP ALABAMA

MAJOR REGRET.  We missed The Elaborate Doll House Grave of Nadine Earles.  MAJOR REGRET.  This is the downfall of the Roadside America app - you have to refresh it, like, every 50 feet or you will miss treasures like that one.  But for you, i will recopy the story:  Nadine wanted a doll house for Christmas, but died.  Her parents had a doll house - the size of a dwarf-size real house - built around her grave with her toys and other belongings placed inside.

If it wasn't 30 min behind us, we would be there.  I'm just really sorry for all of us.  Frankly, we were thrown by the Welcome to Alabama bathroom that made AMC sign their guest book that we forgot to refresh.  Eff you Alabama friendliness, you made us miss another photo op to sort of mock someone's grave.

How billboards for Sex Shops read in Alabama:  Love Stuff for Adults.  Awesome.  Alabama is totally giving Tennessee a run for its money.

It is hot hot hot.  And there is NO water.

The Chapel.  Jesus recliner to the left.

And NEWS FLASH:  Alabama has kicked Tennessee's ass.  In one fell swoop called Hell's Warning Label.  The Cross Garden.  Honestly, i do not even know what to say.  Hands down the craziest thing i have EVER SEEN. This insanity covers two yards, and wraps around behind the house in addition to the shed across the street.  With the Jesus Recliner.  What it taught us is that HELL IS HOT.  And there is no water.  No no no.  Also, it's important to note that it's not just crosses and houses covered with this insanity, but also a whole lot of washing machines.  And air conditioners.  Which noteably they would not have in hot hot hell.  We knew this was gonna be crazy, but frankly, we had NO IDEA.  and how incredibly scary it was.  i am in fact still convinced that the 30 something who lives in said house and was watching us while weeding WITH A MACHETE from across the street is tracking our car to come kill us later.  AMC is all crusiing around the 10mph one way street behind this phenomenon, and i'm all - they are going to kill us, get the fuck out of here.  but then we of course had to stop to get more pictures of the homemade Calvary reminding us that we were going to die for The Sex we've been having, oh, and the manger too.  i mean, naturally there's a built it myself MANGER.  we could have stayed there for hours, but really, that man would have hacked us to pieces.

The Cross Garden.  I mean, a mere part of it.  From inside the car.  Because we were REALLY afraid of that man and his knife.

Homemade manger.

Sex Pit.

AMC's attempt to explain the phenomenon that is the Cross Garden: you drive away from Montgomery, Alabama through some serious country (What's Up, Alabama?) and then you have to find the unmarked country road that leads you to Hell's Warning Label.  And it's 99 degrees outside, in the middle of September.  And there's no one else around, or so you think.  And then you see it...straddling both sides of the road.  Crosses. Shacks. Rusty old kitchen appliances.  Rocks.  All painted and scolding you, for being a sinner, for having sex, and for expecting ice water in hell.  I was both terrified and thrilled.  It was much creepier than I expected...and at one point I wanted to venture behind the shack (that is called The Chapel) but I thought that there might be a dead body back there.  Or an axe-murderer.  And now, I regret not going back there, for we later found out that that's where the Jesus' tomb is.  However, in the moment, with the man across the street cleaning his enormous kitchen knife on his t-shirt, I thought it best to get back in the car.  Truly, it was one of the most fascinating things I've ever seen.  

These are the washing machines. 

We ate lunch at the Bates House of Turkey.  It was yummy...particularly the cornbread stuffing.  I was a little turned off, however, by the listing of "congealed salad" on the menu, and the ten or so portraits of Ronald Reagan surrounding the entrance.  But I really liked that the bathrooms were for Toms and Hens.

MISSISSIPPI MADNESS

Truth?  There is not a whole lot going on in Mississippi.  And really all we want is to get to NOLA already.  but we did break the drive up a bit with a visit to the world's largest wooden rocking chair.  And it was really big.  Next door was Catfish Charlie's, which we are sad to report was closed.  But really, it's a restaurant that's only open Tues - Thurs 5:30 - 8 so the probability of it being open for your visit is slim as well.

An improvement on the sex billboard in MS from AMC:  Eve's Apple Take a Bite.  When our blog is national, Eve, you can take that.  You're welcome Mississippi.

LOUISIANA

And what are we greeted with immediately?  Scuttlebutt Gentleman's Club.  Welcome to LA.